DIVORCE
If you reach the point where the only option left is divorce or separation, do not assume automatically that your children will be devastated. Some will be, but the effect on your child will depend greatly on age, personality, the circumstances of the divorce, and the prevailing social attitudes in the school and community.
I know of one primary school class in London, for instance, where out of 35 children, only five had parents who were still together. They were regularly teased by the others from “broken homes,” who saw these five children as materially disadvantaged-the children whose parents were still together got only one set of presents on their birthday or at Christmas, and they had only one house.
Although having divorced or separated parents is nothing to boast about, many of the children in this class did. This may be deeply shocking to a lot of people, but it is just one more indication of the different times in which our children are growing up.
MOVING OUT
If the time comes when you have to leave, it is vital to let your child know that you are not taking your love with you, and that you will continue to be an active parent. Let your child know specifically when you plan to see her and, no matter how difficult it is, try never to break these arrangements, especially at the last minute.
If you are the parent left with full-time responsibility for your child when your partner has moved out, try not to be upset if she misses her father or mother. Don’t try to make her forget that the other parent exists, and don’t speak abusively or acrimoniously about the other parent since this will only confuse your child further.
Even if your child appears to be unaffected by a marital split, keep a dose eye on her and ask her teachers if they notice any difference in her behavior at school. Some children have fewer questions than others and keep their feelings of insecurity to themselves, but they may still need extra attention and love. Increased bed wetting, thumbsucking, and general “dinginess” are all signs that your child is in need of reassurance and special care.
Grandparents can be a great help at the time of the divorce. If possible, do encourage your child to see both sets. Don’t let bad feeling cut off relationships. Think of your child first. She needs continuity, security, and reassurance, and grandparents are second to none at providing these as long as they don’t bad-mouth either parent. Grandparents will also act as a mainstay during access periods and will show your child the unconditional love that every child needs if their parents are divorcing or separating.
Ask your children about their worries and anxieties and give them space to voice them. Listen and take their concerns seriously. Act upon them. They will almost certainly be things you haven’t thought of, or would dismiss as trivial if you did.