However, the research gives no indication of the different divorce situations that are critical in determining the effect on the children. An amicable divorce may be barely damaging and its effect entirely different .from that of a bitter, acrimonious divorce. The main reason for this is that in an acrimonious situation, each parent usually does his or her best to turn the children against the other parent. This has a very negative and damaging effect on children, and should be avoided at all costs.

ACCESS

Whatever your feelings are about your partner, its best for your child if you’re easy­going and generous about giving your partner access.

Don’t be stingy and don’t be confrontational-it causes your child much anguish. Hand her over somewhere civilized like one o/your homes, not somewhere like a park or shopping mall, or your child will feel like a commodity.

Plan well ahead, don’t break promises at the last minute, and if your partner is late be breezy about it; otherwise your child will worry about both o/you. Don’t make it an opportunity to denigrate her father or mother; be off hand, and keep your child calm:“Oh, I expect the traffic’s bad” or “Shall we play a game till he gets here?”

If your partner is consistently late or unreasonable, arrange a separate meeting to discuss this, out of earshot of your child. The only time to consider preventing your ex-partner from having any access to your child is if you think she’s at risk of being kidnapped or otherwise harmed. In such cases it is best to seek professional advice, either through counseling services or a lawyer.

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If you reach the point where the only option left is divorce or separation, do not assume automatically that your children will be devastated. Some will be, but the effect on your child will depend greatly on age, personality, the circumstances of the divorce, and the prevailing social attitudes in the school and community.

I know of one primary school class in London, for instance, where out of 35 children, only five had parents who were still together. They were regularly teased by the others from “broken homes,” who saw these five children as materially disadvantaged-the children whose parents were still together got only one set of presents on their birthday or at Christmas, and they had only one house.

Although having divorced or separated parents is nothing to boast about, many of the children in this class did. This may be deeply shocking to a lot of people, but it is just one more indication of the different times in which our children are growing up.

MOVING OUT

If the time comes when you have to leave, it is vital to let your child know that you are not taking your love with you, and that you will continue to be an active parent. Let your child know specifically when you plan to see her and, no matter how difficult it is, try never to break these arrangements, especially at the last minute.

If you are the parent left with full-time responsibility for your child when your partner has moved out, try not to be upset if she misses her father or mother. Don’t try to make her forget that the other parent exists, and don’t speak abusively or acrimoniously about the other parent since this will only confuse your child further.

Even if your child appears to be unaffected by a marital split, keep a dose eye on her and ask her teachers if they notice any difference in her behavior at school. Some children have fewer questions than others and keep their feelings of insecurity to themselves, but they may still need extra attention and love. Increased bed wetting, thumb­sucking, and general “dinginess” are all signs that your child is in need of reassurance and special care.

Grandparents can be a great help at the time of the divorce. If possible, do encourage your child to see both sets. Don’t let bad feeling cut off relationships. Think of your child first. She needs continuity, security, and reassurance, and grandparents are second to none at providing these as long as they don’t bad-mouth either parent. Grandparents will also act as a mainstay during access periods and will show your child the unconditional love that every child needs if their parents are divorcing or separating.

Ask your children about their worries and anxieties and give them space to voice them. Listen and take their concerns seriously. Act upon them. They will almost certainly be things you haven’t thought of, or would dismiss as trivial if you did.

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As well as the treatment your doctor recommends, the following routines will help your child feel more comfortable while he’s ill:

• Air your child’s room and bed at least once a day.

• Leave a bowl by your child’s bed if he is vomiting or has whooping cough.

• Leave a box of tissues by your child’s bed.

• Give small meals frequently; your child may find large portions overwhelming.

• Don’t insist that your child eat if he doesn’t feel like it, but do encourage him to drink lots of fluids.

• Sponge your child down with tepid water if he has a fever.

• Give liquid acetaminophen for pain relief

FEBRILE CONVULSIONS

The most common cause of convulsions in babies is an elevated temperature that accompanies a viral infection. This sort of convulsion is most common in children between six months and four years, and is known as a febrile convulsion.

During a convulsion the muscles of the body twitch involuntarily due to a temporary abnormality in brain function. Possible symptoms include loss of consciousness, loss of bowel and bladder control, rhythmic jerking of the limbs, with sleepiness and confusion on coming around. You should clear a space around him so that he doesn’t injure himself. Wait until his body has stopped jerking and then place him in the recovery position .

You’ll need to sponge your child with tepid (never cold) water to reduce his temperature. Don’t leave him alone, don’t try to restrain him, and don’t put anything in his mouth. Call a doctor as soon as your child has come around. If the convulsion lasts more than 15 minutes, call an ambulance.

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Similarly, the questions your child asks you may be very simple because he can’t fully express what it is he wants to know. So when he says “What’s that,” he may be asking “What is it? What is it called? What does it do? How does it work?” all at once. Give him as much information as you think he can understand: “This is laundry soap. It’s just like a bar of soap, and I put it in the washing machine to make our clothes nice and clean.” Always try to answer the question he is really asking.

Socializing During the third year, your child’s verbal skills will be improved by talking to other children.

Girls at play Close friendships form the basis of a girl’s social world, and this will be reflected in her choice of language.

LANGUAGE IN GIRLS

Right from the moment of birth, girls are more responsive to the human voice than boys, and they have better verbal skills throughout childhood.

Girls talk earlier than boys, and begin to string words into sentences earlier. They have better articulation, pronunciation, and grammar, and are better at verbal reasoning. They also learn to read earlier than boys.

The structure of the female brain is believed to be the reason fir girls’ superior verbal skills : the speech centers are more tightly organized in the female brain than in the male brain, and have more and better connections with other functions of the brain.

LANGUAGE IN BOYS

Boys are almost always slower than girls at developing language skills, and this discrepancy lasts throughout childhood.

Boys are later in talking than girls, are slower to put words together in sentences, and take longer to learn to read. Speech disorders such as stuttering are fir more common in boys than in girls, and boys outnumber girls in remedial reading classes by four to one.

Although this difference in linguistic ability levels out somewhat during the teenage years, you can help your son’s language skills in the preschool years by reading aloud to him and playing lots of word games.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP

There are many ways you can help your child as he becomes more skilled and confident in using language.

• Never overtly correct your child’s mistakes; diplomatically repeat what he has just said, but correctly. If he hesitates over a word, supply it instantly to maintain his momentum.

• Your child responds well to reasoning, so include him in simple problem solving, with questions, options, and solutions, openly discussing each step. Ask his opinion about something you know you can agree with so that he fees he is included and has made the decisions.

• When your child speaks to you, turn to him and listen attentively. Nod, and incline your head to show you are listening to him.

• In your child’s list of reading, include a choice of fairy tales, because they help your child come to terms with his own world without it hurting him, and because they improve his concepts of real and unreal; past, present, and future; fairness and injustice; good and evil, and so on.

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If you know that your child is going to the hospital, tell him a story about a child who goes to the hospital, and role-play doctors and nurses with toy stethoscopes. Be as honest as you can about why he’s going to the hospital, and emphasize that it’s to make him well. Reassure him that you’ll be with him as much as you can, and if he’s old enough to understand, tell him when he’ll be well enough to come home.

If your child requires an operation he’ll probably be curious about what’s going to happen to him. Answer his questions as honestly as you can-if he asks you whether the operation will hurt, don’t pretend that it won’t, but tell him that doctors have medicines to make the pain go away quickly.

WHAT TO TAKE

You can help your child prepare for a stay in the hospital by packing a bag with him. One of the most unsettling things will be the unfamiliar surroundings and change of routine, so let him bring some of his own things-a personal stereo and CDs, tapes, or a radio, travel games, cuddly toys, and a photograph for his bedside. For a short stay pack the following necessities:

• A toiletries bag containing a hairbrush, comb, soap, washcloth, toothbrush, and toothpaste.

• Three pairs of pajamas or three nightgowns.

•  A bathrobe and a pair of slippers.

•  Three pairs of socks.

•  Three pairs of underpants.

IN THE HOSPITAL

Many hospitals allow parents to stay with their children 24 hours a day. Whether your hospital does or not, try to spend as much time as possible with your child, especially at first, when his surroundings are unfamiliar. Let him know when you are going to come, and always keep your promises about visiting. Ask the nurses on the ward whether you can bathe, change, and feed your child. If he is well enough, you can read to him and play games with him. If you can’t stay at the hospital all the time, encourage your partner, friends, and relatives to visit at different times, rather than all together, so that your child has someone he knows well with him almost all the time.

COMING HOME

Depending on how long your child has been in the hospital, you may notice some changes in his habits when he comes home. He probably woke up and went to sleep much earlier in the hospital than he does at home, and these sleeping and waking patterns may persist for a while. He may resent the discipline at home after having been spoiled and indulged a little, and he may be reluctant to go back to school. The best approach to these things is to be tolerant and patient, since your child will soon adapt to life at home again.

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EMERGENCY FIRST AID

A severe accident with the loss of much blood or other body fluids may precipitate shock, which is always serious. Other emergencies include choking , a very severe respiratory tract infection that blocks the airways, drowning, and unconsciousness. Prompt action on your part can save your child’s life.

HOME FIRST-AID KIT

You can buy a home first-aid kit from any pharmacy, but putting your own kit together is easy and inexpensive. Store the items in an airtight, waterproof container.

PRIORITIES

When your child has an accident you must get your priorities straight. Tell any adult present to call an ambulance while you go through the following checklist. Detailed instructions are shown for resuscitation and choking . If there isn’t anyone to help, you should go through the checklist before calling an ambulance.

Is your child in danger? If appropriate, remove the danger from your child, or your child from the danger. Do not put yourself at risk, and do not move your child if you suspect a fracture.

Is he conscious? Shake your child gently by his shoulders and keep calling his name.

Is his airway blocked? Open your child’s airway by lifting the chin and tilting the head back. Then clear any obstruction .

Is he breathing? Lean close to your child’s mouth to listen for breathing and feel his breath against your cheek. Look at his chest to see if it is rising and falling. If there are no signs of breathing after five seconds, give two breaths of rescue breathing .

Does he have a pulse? Check for a pulse in the arm or neck , or place your hand on your child’s chest and count the beats. A normal pulse rate is about 120 beats per minute for a baby and 100-120 beats per minute for a one-year-old. If no pulse is present, give alternate cycles of five chest compressions with one rescue breath for one minute; call an ambulance, taking your child with you to the telephone if you can; then continue resuscitation.

Calling an ambulance If your child is having breathing difficulties or is unconscious, then call an ambulance, or get another adult to do so. Try not to leave your child unattended and be prepared to carry out resuscitation on him. When calling an ambulance, state your name clearly and give your exact location: the road name and house number or name, including any junctions or landmarks, and your telephone number. Describe the condition of your child and give his age, and tell the dispatcher if you are certified in first aid. You should also give details of any hazards, such as a gas leak, or relevant local weather conditions-for example, fog or icy roads.

FIRST-AID TRAINING

To make use of these procedures you must learn them by heart. If you have to waste time referring to this book to refresh your memory, your delay could mean the difference between lift and death for your child.

This book cannot train you in first aid. To learn first aid properly you should complete a course and pass the final examination. The standard first-aid certificate is awarded by the American Red Cross . It is valid fir only three years, after which you should update your skills with further training.

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• Praise your child and encourage her to regard bowel and bladder control as an accomplishment.

• Let your child set the pace. You can help your child along, but you can’t speed up the process.

• Suggest that your child sit on the potty, but allow her to make the decision.

• Let your child be as independent as she likes, using the toilet or the potty, and praise her increased independence.

• Use training pants to give your child a sense of independence.

Don’t

• Insist that your child sit on the potty.

• Show any disgust for your child’s feces. She will regard using the potty as an achievement and will be proud of them.

• Ask your child to wait once she has asked for the potty, even for a moment; she can “hold on” only for a very short time.

• Scold at mistakes and accidents.

HOW TO HELP AN OLDER TODDLER

Do

• Remind your child to go to the bathroom at regular intervals.

• Take an extra set of clothes with you when you go out.

• Accompany your child to the bathroom in unfamiliar places to reassure her.

• Be sympathetic and make light of any accidents.

• Offer praise when your child has a dry night.

• Look for the cause within the family first if wetting or soiling occurs after a long period of” reliable control. If it persists, seek advice from your doctor.

DON’T

• Scold at or draw attention to any form of accident your child has.

• Withhold fluids from your child in the evening.

• Compare your child with others of the same age who may have better control.

• Make an issue our of any accident in front of friends.

• Be unsympathetic if your child needs to use the bathroom at an inconvenient moment.

TRAINING PANTS

Before your child’s bladder control is fully developed you might like to use training pants. She will probably prefer them to diapers because they seem more grown up.

• Disposable training pants have easily tearable side seams so that they can be quickly removed in case of accidents.

• Nondisposable training pants are more absorbent than the disposable kind and can be left on at night. They are also bulkier, however, so some children find them uncomfortable.

REGRESSION

In a child who has been reliably dry for some time, regression to night- or day­time wetting is usually a sign of anxiety.

The arrival of a new baby is a typical reason for your child regressing to an earlier stage as a way of winning back your attention, but any sort of change like a move to a new home or school can cause it.

Occasionally, regression can be caused by an infection of the urinary tract, so when you visit the doctor for any urinary problem, take a sample of your child’s urine for testing.

Bowel control, once developed, is usually much more reliable than bladder control. Bowel accidents are uncommon and, if they occur frequently, particularly after control has apparently been reliable for some time, may indicate an underlying problem such as retention of stool or some form of emotional tension. Seek advice from your doctor.

HELPING A GIRL

Teach your little girl good habits of hygiene, for instance, washing her hands and straightening up the bathroom after she uses it. You’ll probably find that she responds well to this.

Most girls are generally neater than boys, and will enjoy turning a cleanliness routine into a game.

HELPING A BOY

Most boys are messier than girls in using the potty or the toilet, but there are some things that you can do to help your little boy.

Show him how to stand in font of the toilet and teach him to aim at the bowl before be urinates. You could put a piece of toilet paper in the bowl for him to aim at. Let him see his father urinating so that he can imitate him.

Boys are more likely than girls to play with their feces. If this happens, don’t show disgust; just wash your child’s hands calmly, as you would if they were dirty with mud or paint.

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The choice as to whether or not you decide to send your child to preschool will depend largely upon the options available and whether or not they suit her needs. Find out what’s available in your area and spend what time you can visiting nursery schools and talking to teachers and other parents to get a good idea of what is being provided.

There is no single kind of preschool that is best for every child. Each child should be in a school that fits her particular needs. All evaluations of preschool education show mixed results. One long-term assessment showed that boys in Montessori programs sustained gains in reading and math throughout their school careers. Other research shows that children improve intellectually in all but the poorest of programs. But it’s difficult to know how long these benefits last. Evaluations of Head Start, for example, show that apparent IQ differences between children in Head Start and those who don’t attend preschool diminish over time. Whatever the benefits of preschool education, there is no substitute for a loving and caring home environment.

Play groups often take children from as early as two-and­a-half. They provide the opportunity for interaction with other children of the same age and help develop early social skills, but in a less formal atmosphere than nursery school.

Preschool has a number of benefits. Your child can develop greater confidence and therefore more self-control, as well as learning to share, be concerned for the needs of others, and take turns. Her skill in planning ahead and cooperating with others will improve through fantasy and group play. The opportunities for play in preschool enhance the various ways that your child thinks-that is, imaginatively, speculatively, and inventively. Some preschools are designed to help disadvantaged children by boosting their confidence. Children who attend such schools are less likely to repeat a year than their peers who did not attend preschool, less in need of special education, and less likely to show delinquent behavior when they reach adolescence.

I think there are very few risks to your child attending preschool, certainly no more than when she ventures outside the family; she’ll just encounter them sooner. Risks may include minor health problems or exposure to behavior you find objectionable, such as swearing and tasteless stories.

Settling in at Nursery School

You can help your child adjust to nursery school by taking her along for one or two visits well in advance of her start date. Encourage her to play with the other children and to sit at one of the desks or play with some of the equipment. But try not to push her to socialize with other children if she doesn’t seem interested at first. Some children are naturally more gregarious than others and she will adjust in her own good time. The aim is to make her visits as enjoyable as possible. If you stress all the fun things she will do, her eager anticipation for school will be stronger than 1her worry about leaving you. If she is having trouble adjusting, most nursery schools will let you stay with her on the first day, and for steadily decreasing periods of time on the following days. Make sure you pick her up yourself for the first week when she is most insecure. Once she is confident that she’s not being abandoned, you’ll be free to make other arrangements for taking her home.

Your child’s personality, maturity, place in the family, and willingness to leave home will all influence the way she settles down at preschool. In general, boys are more likely than girls of the same age to cry when their mothers first leave them at nursery school and they tend to cry when frustrated or angry with a teacher or helper. On the other hand, your child may enjoy being with other children as much as she enjoys the play and activities at preschool.

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If your child has lost consciousness and isn’t breathing, he’s at risk of brain damage and heart failure. You need to assess his condition quickly in order to know what first-aid treatment to give. If he’s unconscious but still breathing and has a pulse, then you should call for help and place him in the recovery position. If he’s unconscious and not breathing but has a pulse, you will need to give rescue breaths. If he’s not breathing and has no pulse, you must give chest compressions with rescue breaths .

THE RECOVERY POSITION

An unconscious child who is still breathing and has a regular pulse should be placed in this position to keep the airway open and to allow liquids to drain from the mouth. You should not place your child in the recovery position if you suspect a fracture.

1. lf your child is lying on his back or side, kneel to one side of him. Straighten his legs and gently place the arm nearest you at right angles to his body with the elbow bent.
2. Ensure that the head is tilted back throughout the procedure so that the airway remains open. Bring the other arm across the chest and place the back of the hand so that it lies against the cheek.
3. Holding your child’s hand to his cheek, grasp the far thigh and pull the knee up. Keep the foot flat on the ground and place it next to the nearer knee.
4. Roll your child over into a resting position with his knee bent and his head resting on his hand.

ASSESSING A TODDLER

Check for consciousness

See if your child is conscious by shaking him gently and pinching him. Keep calling his name. If he doesn’t respond, call for help immediately.

Open the airway

Lay your child down on his back on a firm surface such as the floor or a table. Open the airway by putting two fingers under your child’s chin and lifting the jaw. Tilt the head back by placing your other hand on his forehead.

Check breathing

Look, listen, and feel for signs of breathing. Look along the chest and abdomen for movements, listen for sounds of breathing, and feel for your child’s breath on your cheek. If he is breathing, give him two rescue breaths, then check his pulse .

Check the pulse

See if your child’s heart is still beating by placing your fingers just in front of the large muscle at the side of the neck under the jaw. If there’s no pulse, give him one minute of chest compressions and rescue breaths , call an ambulance, then continue.

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